Learning to Let Go

I suppose this week was just one of many.

There will be more, like this.

The day her Daddy and I give her away, in a white dress, to the man of her dreams.

The day we move her from her college apartment to the city where she will start her big-kid job.

The day we drop her off at college, unpack boxes and decorate her dorm room.

The day we watch her walk across the stage with her high school diploma.

The day we wait, anxiously by the front door, for her high school prom date to pick her up.

The day her Dad hands her the keys to the car and we let her drive for the first time.

The day we take her "first day of school" kindergarten picture and drop her off at school.

The day we begin our new "normal" - mama back to work and her to daycare.

Each day, each milestone, each new chapter in life, carries with it, a valuable lesson in life.

A lesson in parenting.  A lesson in learning to let go.  Even if it is just a little bit each time.  With each new chapter in her life, we have to learn to let go.  It means trusting others who love her very much to take care and watch over her, it means trusting yourself that you've taught her all the important things in life that she'll need to be successful and have a good heart, and it means trusting her that she'll take everything she's learned from you and make you so very proud.

This week, I walked out the door, going back to a place I hadn't been in a dozen weeks.  A place that I only knew myself as my pre-bean-self.  Now I'm a working mama.  I have pictures of my daughter on my desk.  I'm juggling a career that I enjoy and a husband and daughter who I love with every ounce of my being. 

This week was hard.  I've spent nearly every single minute of every single day for the past twelve weeks with her, with only a few exceptions for a quick haircut, one Saturday morning full of errands, and dinner out while Grandma was still with us those first couple weeks.  And before these twelve weeks, we spent nine months together...morning, noon and night.  So one could expect this first week to be hard, especially for someone who likes to be in control.  Someone like me.

But I'm learning to let go...just a tiny, tiny bit. 

And I'm learning to trust. 

And I'm learning what it means to be a hard-working, career-driven, family-loving mama.

I know it's possible to do both.  And be good at doing both.  No one said it would be easy - but I've got the best husband, family and friends that any first-time mama in my shoes could ask for...so I know, without a doubt, we'll make it.  We'll establish our new "normal" and we'll go on. 

As I am leaning on many people in our village this week, I'm feeling all sorts of love and support (and I can't begin to tell you how much it is appreciated).  Wise words from my own mama remind us that the strong bond and deep love we've developed for our sweet Olivia is the reason it's so hard to leave her.  A strong bond that began the minute she was placed on my chest and has grown leaps and bounds with each passing day.  And from another woman, older and much wiser than me, I received these encouraging words..."so as you are, so once was I.  As I am now, so you will be."  She said, "Trish, the moral of this saying is that everyone in life goes through some of the same trials and situations.  You are not the first mama to leave her baby.  It is the people that have already been through these same experiences and end up OK, that serve as living proof that you too will survive."  And oh, how right they are.  We will survive.  

One thing is for certain though, as we're learning to let go, we're also learning to savor the minutes we spend with our little bean.  We're reminded to be present, truly present in the moment, and soak up the memories...even if it means the laundry sits for an extra day, or dinner is between two slices of bread rather than from a steaming pot out of the oven.  Right now, those things, they can wait. 


Because if I've learned anything in the last dozen weeks, it's how quickly time changes our little bean, who for the record, isn't that little anymore as is evidenced by the rolls on her little legs, arms and belly.  And who also, for the record, made her mama and daddy very proud this week as she has officially conquered rolling over. 


It's the little things that make us the most excited.  Her giggling.  Her babbling.  The look in her eyes when she starts on her tummy and ends on her back.  And her smile.  There's absolutely nothing better than that smile.  And those are the moments that I hang onto as I anxiously await for five o'clock.

 

a dozen weeks

week eleven

Olivia, Ten Weeks

Our People

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

They are so right.  And maybe I never truly understood this until I had one of my own, but it's true.

Of course, no one loves a baby more than her own mama (and daddy), but it's so good to know that you have surrounded your babe with friends and family who love her so much.  And nothing makes you feel more loved, than to see your friends and family loving on your little girl.  It's peace of mind.  A safety net.  That if or when you stumble, there will be people there.  And they will catch you.   Because that's what a village does.

A few weeks ago, we gathered some of the people in our village and celebrated a special occasion for sweet baby O.  Her baptism.  Her initiation into the church.  And amidst the cries of some small babes, there was something very meaningful happening that Sunday afternoon.  Something that symbolized that when things get tough, you've got someplace to turn.  Your faith.  Your family and the dearest of friends.

In three short weeks, we are expanding our village.  Welcoming someone else into our circle who will, in no time I'm sure, become like family.  Because you can't spend eight hours a day, five days a week, with sweet Olivia, her big blue eyes and heart-melting smile and not love her like your own.  I'm convinced, it's just not possible.  So while dropping  her off on that first Monday morning, will be more than difficult, we know she'll be loved and cared for.  And just knowing that, may make it just a bit easier on this mama when she returns to work.

It's been less than a dozen weeks, but I can already tell.  Becoming her mama, was truly the best experience.  Each day is a new adventure, a new challenge and just when I think we couldn't possibly love her anymore, I'm proven wrong and my heart, already full with love and admiration, grows even more.

But sometimes, it's hard work.  It's a responsibility greater than any other.  It can get overwhelming at times, and test your patience like none other.  But it's worth it though.  It is so very worth it.  And it's a bit easier when your village, your people, are there to remind you, help you and support you.

Before I became a mama, I thought I knew.  I sat in her room, rocked in the chair and imagined the day when she would finally be here and thought I knew what it would be like to be her mama.

Granted, some of it is exactly what I expected.  Like how much we love her, unconditionally, and would do anything for her.  And how I love Kevin even more when I see them together.  And how much I worry about her...everything, anything and nothing.  Was that a cough?  Is she too hot?  When did she last poop?  And how much I don't worry about whatever it is I worried about before she was here...which I can't even remember now.

But then there are the things I didn't expect.  Like how sappy I get when I think about how quickly she is growing up...yes, even at only two months old I feel like her "Happy Birth Day" was an eternity ago.  And how I could be so incredibly excited to crawl out of bed, still severely sleep deprived, to see those eyes staring back at me, ready to start her day, even if it is Saturday and it's 7AM.  And how I'd google the words to the most ridiculously silly songs and sing them to her, if it would get her to smile.  And how important it is to have surrounded our daughter, with a village full of people who will love her and support her, always.

Sometimes I ask Kevin how we did it?  How did we create the sweetest baby?  How did we get so blessed?  She mesmerizes me, and she has stolen our hearts from the very beginning.  She is ours.  We made her.  We couldn't love her more.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for her.  As each day passes, each milestone, big or small, she tackles and accomplishes.  I do not know what untold chapters will fill her book, but one thing I am sure of is with each new chapter, we will be there.  Our village.  We will be there, cheering her on, picking her up, standing beside her, and loving her, every step of the way.   Because that's just what our people do.

week number nine

the eighth week